(10) Perfectionism

It's one thing to push ourselves and challenge our limit , but it's another to demand perfection. When we are being a perfectionist , we are picturing a scenario where nothing could , and nothing should ever go wrong. Needless to say that it is unrealistic. No one have a highway to success , if we don't expect some minor bump and detour along the way , the inevitable temporary failures can really throw us off guard.

Chinese is probably one of the most sophisticated and beautiful language in the world , and I particularly love the word “危机” ( wei ji ) , which means crisis. The first word "wei" means danger , but the second word "ji" represents opportunity.

In danger , lies opportunity.

Failure shouldn't be this stigma that we are afraid of , or a label we use to define other people. A huge failure in life is often a pivotal stepping stone. If we are proud of our failures and learn from them , there is no way we don't improve as a person. Learn to fail , and fail to learn. There is no other way. Even to fail at something means you have to at least try to do it. There is a lot of courage in attempting something even when the odds are stacked against you , and courage should not be dismissed. Again, it's by putting ourselves on the line and take risk going after what we really want , that we raise our base level of happiness.

I grew up in a very traditional and conservative family where the definition of a good and responsible life is to graduate ( preferably with an useful degree ) , get a steady 9-5 job , and invest in nothing but fixed deposit or real estate. There is nothing wrong with that , seeing that my grandma had a very difficult life raising 11 kids , one of them obviously being my mum. I've been hearing stories about how my mum and aunts can barely afford anything , and when it's Chinese New Year , their biggest joy is to finally able to have a sip of that glass bottle icy cold Coca-Cola. The elder kids , including my mum ( she is the second kid in the family ) had to drop out of school and start working to help support the family. Out of the 11 kids , one uncle stands out as being the brightest. I can still recall days where I spent the first couple days of Chinese New Year in his place ( all of our relatives used to gather there because grandma lived there ) , he will show me and my cousins these really cool sketching , let us play with his computer ( super impressive to be able to afford one in late 90s to early 2000s ) and at that time he was probably the best educated and had the best job ( a bank manager if I remember correctly ) in the family. Married to a really kind and capable woman too , so by all measures he was the definition of success in our family.

Then he gave up his job , to pursue his goal of being a trader. Got himself into bankruptcy in the process , and went through a period of really dark times. He was estranged from the rest of the family members , and many didn't and still don't understand his choice. The last I've heard is that he got out of bankruptcy and is slowly piecing his life back together. I was and still am the only relatives that didn't see anything wrong with his decision. In fact I admired it. He took a huge leap forward in pursuing what he really wants to do , and it takes some gut and balls to do that. Things didn't turn out the way he envisioned it to be , but so what? We all fail from time to time , the biggest disappointment is never even attempting.

It is ok to fail , but it is not ok to let the fear of failure hold you back from even trying.

One of the revolving theme in positive psychology is to give ourselves permission to be human. It is ok to feel fear , but at the same time understand that experiencing fear means you are about to see something really brave , and you are very likely to grow stronger out of it. True courage is not about feeling no fear at all , it's about being afraid , but go ahead and do it anyway.

The next time you're trap in perfectionism , and find it hard to get over your failures , remember these 3 Ps.

1. Permission Again , permission to be human. No one grow without experiencing downfall. Accept the failure gracefully and move forward.

2. Positivity Be a benefit finder. Thomas Edison said he did not fail 1000 times , he merely discovered a 1000 ways that won't work. Make it a habit to see the best out of the worst. As long as we are still alive and breathing , failures only make us better.

3. Perspective Yes , it is painful right now to have fail at something. Ask yourself will it matters a year from now? Failure is not the end of the world , it's the starting of a brand new chapter in your life.

#perfectionism #perfectionist